The Trolley to Make-Believe

Game -16 Gates Crescent Park


Results:
A.J. - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Mike G. - 1 (GW)
Mikey Lyons - 1 (GW)
Melonie - 1 (GW)
Savannah - 1 (Poison Wicket Kill)


Standings:
A.J. - 19
John S. - 7
Mikey L. - 7
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Carly- 5
Dave Simpkins - 5
Poops - 4
Kelly - 4
Red - 4
Melonie - 4
Mike G. - 4
Deme - 3
Tashina - 3
Eric - 3
Rob - 3
Tim - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Ricky - 2
Frankie - 2
Julie - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Doug - 1
Martin - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Dave Bergonz - 1
Savannah - 1


Your latest NSCC scores have been affixed to the scoreboard and are now sacrosanct. The Rocket Powered Tsunami A.K.A. A.J. has left no doubt in the outcome of the season, but there are still some small cogent trees and rocks with which we can cling to, such as: With 4 games left in the '09 season can Mikey L. overcome John Pimpkins and claim second place? And......well, will Eric bring more beer that's imported from Canada?!?

We've played Gates Crescent many times before, but this park still feels uncharted to me, maybe it's the sight of a giant roller-coaster rising out of the trees or the volleyball sand pit or the trolley tracks, whatever the reason I always get a sense of something strange and abstruse just behind a tree or beyond hill;
There is something, grim, in the tulgey wood.
Something, abandoned.


I had problems going in to our game's poison battle between me and Mikey Lyons, it seems I drank so much I could no longer see, but Marika assured me I wasn't blind and the darkness was actually due to the sun dropping below the horizon as a result of the earth's rotation. Otherwise known as NIGHT. Whew!
Anyhoo, that's about it - all other games came to the conclusions that you can read above.

Highlights!

- Savannah hit a shot that ricocheted off a tree (tree trunk?) and thru her wicket. This went along nicely with her Poison Wicket Kill for her first point of the season.

-Not a highlight, but Mikey's shot that blasted off of Ricky's chest is worth mentioning here. He wasn't hurt at all and it's not funny but pretty damn fascinating if you got to see it live.


Here's your NSCC '09 Postcard - Wish you were here!







Little Kings & Shane vs. The World.





TUESDAY the 1st! Prepare for Thunderdome at the Horseshit pits at Rocky Mountain Park.



There's no earthly was of knowing
Which direction we are going.

High Noon at the Sun-Dial

Game 15 - Commons Park

Results:

Melonie - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)

Dave S. - 2 (Poison Wicket Kill, GW)

Tim - 1 (GW)

A.J. - 1 (GW)

Julie - 1 (GW)

Standings:
A.J. - 17
John S. - 7
Mikey L. - 6
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Carly- 5
Dave Simpkins - 5

Poops - 4

Kelly - 4

Red - 4
Deme - 3
Melonie - 3

Tashina - 3
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Rob - 3
Tim - 3

Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Ricky - 2
Frankie - 2

Julie - 2

Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Doug - 1
Martin - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Dave Bergonz - 1

A.J.'s stubborn continuance to amass points has brought out the wolves, and now the forests ring with their baying.

Don't worry, were not veering into "rant about A.J." territory. I, for one, am impressed with what he's been able to do all season. If we kept records, I'm sure he'd be the owner of a few. This is more of a message to everyone else: remember, there is no A.J. in T.E.A.M. Don't roll over, never surrender, never give up. Unless your name is Jake. Cause if I were that guy, I would be embarrassed to even pick up a mallet. Does he even play anymore?

I believe we've learned our lessons from past games at Commons and kept most wickets around and within the confides of the Sun-Dial. I recall seeing only one wicket that dared to straddle the death-hill. Very PUSSY of those of you who set up courses. I kid, I kid. 5 games, 5 wieners. Dave managed a poison wicket kill point to go with his game winning point, cause they come better in a pair really. And Melonie finished off the night as our big winner and chose a park with no fuss and no muss. I've always wondered what in the fuck is "muss?"

As we begin our descent into the end of the season remember this ride is coming in hot and A.J.'s taken the last parachute.

Highlights!

- The Parks and Rec officer who, while questioning me about our beer, was five inches from getting smacked in the nuts by A.J.'s ball.

- We kept the "Rhino" at bay. And to all the other disappointed Inveiglers, maybe next time fellas...

-Beer Magic! --Witness the amazing beer can as it withstands croquet balls that bounce off the top of it! Abracadabra bitches!

- Dave Simpkins going through TWO wickets in one shot AND striking a ball in his game for a grand total of 3 shots!!!

Lowlights:

- Dave Simpkins not making it through the next wicket despite having 3 SHOTS!!

No-Justice League:

We're playing in a park where no more than 10 years ago the police were finding dead bodies with decapitated heads...they never caught the guy or guys responsible...enjoy your million dollar lofts fuckers!

Commons Commin' Atcha':

"Dave got a poison wicket kill cause of his shady tactics." - Mike G.

We break now for a quick recess, but shall reconvene next Tuesday at the location of preference: Gates Crescent Park.

Go.

And the Boyd Ban Played On

Game 14 - Washington Park


Results:
Deme - 2 (Game Winner , Big Winner)
John - 2 (GW, Poison Wicket Kill)
Tashina - 2 (GW, PWK)
Dave S. - 1 (GW)


Standings:
A.J. - 16
John S. - 7
Mikey L. - 6
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Carly- 5
Poops - 4
Kelly - 4
Red - 4
Deme - 3
Dave Simpkins - 3
Tashina - 3
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Rob - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Ricky - 2
Frankie - 2
Tim - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Julie - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Dave Bergonz - 1

A.J.'s surge has been held in abeyance for now. But this is unnatural serenity. An eye of the hurricane. The few seconds of eerie calm before the Ghostbusters realized the StayPuff Marshmallow Man was stomping cars down 5th avenue.

Okay everyone can stop holding their breath and come up for air. We're done with Washington Park for the '09 season. So, what's with all the bad blood? Is it the traffic driving over? The vast sea of smug assholes? The negative-tons of parking spaces? The torturing inability to play on a real croquet court that's less than 5 feet away and LOCKED UP for no good-goddamn reason, usually taken over by guys born in 19-great depression that are one Viagra pill away from their heart exploding in their fucking chest and croaking right there on the fucking lawn?

I think our love/hate relationship with Wash park can best be summed up by this Poops story:
Poops: Maura and I were driving here and I was telling her how much I can't stand this park. Then I saw this smoking hot chick and I said, 'damn! Now I remember why I love this park!'
Maura: Eww, Creepy-Poops!
Poops: Then we pulled up and this guy was jogging without a shirt looking all buff and built and shit...
Maura: Oooh.
Popps: Eww, Creepy-Maura!

Regardless, fun was still had by all. John played his last game reminding us all why he's won two years straight, poison killing A.J. and winning his game. Tashina got her second poison kill in a row and also won her game. And even if we were denied playing on the lawn bowling court, we stormed the fences and took the poison battle there anyway.
Oh yeah, and I won it all, so fuck yo' couch.






Ladies and gentleman, we have met the enemy and they are fuck-knobs.


Lowlights!
- A.J. was first out in his game and "forgot" to pick up his wickets. As consequence, John and Mikey Lyons proposed a vote to the whole NSCC whereby A.J. must give one his points to Maura.
Click HERE if you vote yes, A.J.'s point should go to Maura.
Click HERE if you vote no, A.J.'s point should not go to Maura.

Oh the links don't work, but it's no different then any other election you voted in.


-Red in Ear Shot : (To Kevin) "You should trade me shoes!"

With my first win of the season I choose you Commons Park! See you at the sundial.

CINEMA BEERTE' (VIDEOS FROM BERKLEY)

Keep Your Pimphand Strong

Game 13 - Lakewood Gulch


Results:
A to the muthafuckin J - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Carly - 2 (Poison Wicket Kill, GW)
Rob - 1 (GW)
Red - 1 (GW)
Mikey L - 1 (GW)
Tashina - 1 (PWK)
Tim - 1 (PWK)


Standings:
A.J. - 16
Mikey L. - 6
John S. - 5
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Carly- 5
Poops - 4
Kelly - 4
Red - 4
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Rob - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Dave Simpkins - 2
Ricky - 2
Frankie - 2
Tim - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Julie - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Deme - 1
Dave Bergonz - 1
Tashina - 1

------------------

"A.J. stands for Another Jesus" - Dave Bergonz.

The savior has returned or has been replaced or has been cloned. Whatever the case, he's here, and he's lighting up the scoreboard like a crackhead with his hair on fire. A.J. is the light that illuminates our crepuscular '09 season or crap-tacular if you will. Now that Another Jesus has a surfeit of points, many have asked what they can do to prepare and train themselves for the 2010 season. The great hope being they can be as good Him. I tell you the regimen is not easy, it's a terrible maw from which you may emerge a different person. Here are the steps:

Step One: Invoke a demon spirit, preferably one of Toltec origin such as the Deep Crow.

Step Two: Reflect how you came to be in this situation, ask yourself “where am I going?”

Step Three: Goggles.

Step Four: The Manitcore is malevolent and his lies are treacherous.

Following these four simple steps will insure great success!

Lakewood Gulch was a new addition to our touring band, proving meritorious for our purposes and I hope a staple for future seasons. Of course we stayed far away with having to deal with that Matterhorn of a hill as setting up a course on that would simply be an exercise in garrucha. Fittingly, we had a lot of points spread out across this game. 3 poison wicket kills, one going to Carly who also won her game netting her 2 points and a hand up in the pursuit for Second place. Kevin was poison wicket killed by Tim, who was then poison wicket killed by Tashina.

Highlights!

- Did I mention the poison wicket kills?

- Apparently a lot of guys were spending their nights on the couch for killing their respected others: Frankie after much dawdling killed Jess. Rob without hesitation killed Julie. A.J. probably killed Kelly without being in the same game, just because. And Mikey L. killed John Ratcliff.

- Jess leaving at halftime to put some laundry in the dryer.

- For some reason the Girl-unal being placed right in full view of where everyone was playing. Not to mention right in front of a CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND.

- Little kids accosting Margaret when she tried to use the girl-unal, probably thinking it was a new addition to the jungle gym.

- Mikey Lyons hitting Carly's car with his ball.



Jess in Earshot: "That bug bounced right off my boob like a trampoline!"


Alright folks, the time has finally arrived! The park you either love to hate or hate to love! That's right it's ...Washington Park! Let's hope we can get onto the Lawn Bowling Green this year. If not, we'll beat those stuffy ol' white collars with our mallets and play on the lawn anyway!

See you there!

Shadow of the Colossus

Game 12 - City Park


Results:
A.J. - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Rob -2 (Game Winner, Poison Wicket Kill)
Carly - 1 (GW)
Phillips -1 (GW)



Standings:
A.J. - 14
Mikey L. - 5
John S. - 5
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Poops - 4
Kelly - 4
Carly- 3
Red - 3
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Dave Simpkins - 2
Ricky - 2
Rob - 2
Frankie - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Julie - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Tim - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Deme - 1
Dave Bergonz - 1


--------------------------------------------


No excuse for last week's blog (see below), even though I was up to my neck in drunk celebrities, sandy beaches and nerd,I abandoned this post to ruin. Epic fail okay? I admit I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. 20 Hail Mary's and so forth. Are we good? Moving on:




A.J. won.


But you already knew I was going to write that didn't you? Even before you arrived at City Park you already knew what was going to happen. Already, I can see the chain reaction - the chemical precursors that signal the onset of an emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic and reason - an emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth. He is going to win and there is nothing you can do to stop it.


But who needs to win a fancy trophy anyway? Sure we have a better shot at landing the girl-unal on the moon then catching up to A.J. but we can still have fun, right? Guys?
Like Snail Races! You weren't expecting those were you? Props to Carly for the slimy drag race.


Highlights!


-Snail Races! We can set up odds for over and unders next game, see your bookie.


-Rob getting his first points in style with a Poison Wicket Kill on Martin AND winning his game. Cheers.


-Vivian belting out "Me So Hungry!"







Alright, no riddle this week. The test will be if you can actually find the park. I'm not sure of the name but I have zeroed in on a location. Call Doug or Boyd or Eric for more instructions, here is a link: http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&ie=UTF8&ll=39.731663,-105.041399&spn=0.011139,0.016329&z=16
We're either playing at Lakewood Gulch or Martinez park.
See you there.

UPDATED!!! Turns out it will be Lakewood Gulch.





Meanwhile, miles away in another part of the country....


NERDS!

Spartans! Tonight, we dine, at Chilli's!

Okay, ignore the guy dressed as Thor for a second and look at the guy on his right, tell me that guy doesn't look like a Mexican Chris Brunn.

Edward James Olmos grubbin'

This thing is even creepier in real life.

This is what happens when you don't shower and shave for a week at Comic-Con

This is the only pic of Marika and I together. I'm on the right.

Kratos, the all-mighty warrior, takes a break decapitating demons and slicing through Spartans to hold his wife's purse while she goes potty.

If it's going to be that kind of party I'm gonna stick my tongue in Pimp Darth Vader's Ear!

Worst. Blog. Ever.

Game 11- Richard Hart Estate

Results:
Josh- 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Kelly - 2 (GW, PWK)
Poops - 1 (GW)
Deme- 1(GW)
Dave B. - 1(PWK)

Standings:
A.J. - 12
Mike L. - 5
John S. - 5
Boyd - 5
Josh- 5
Poops - 4
Kelly - 4
Red - 3
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Dave - 2
Ricky - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Tim - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
Deme - 1
Dave B. - 1

Berserkeley!

Game 10 - Berkeley Park


Results:
Ricky - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Boyd - 2 (GW, Poison Wicket Kill)
Geoff - 1 (GW)
Dave S. - 1 (GW)
John S. - 1 (PWK)
A.J. - 1 (PWK)


Standings:
A.J. - 12
Mike L. - 5
John S. - 5
Boyd - 5
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 3
Eric - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Kelly - 2
Dave - 2
Ricky - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Tim - 1
Jody - 1
Geoff - 1
-------------------------------------
Another week, another late blog!

Officially, the season is halfway over. (Unofficially, if we go over 20 games, which is a possibility.)
Chris Brunn suggested a lawn chair, spray painted in gold, upon which A.J. can sit rex gloriae and watch us peasants scavenge for the scraps of points that fall from his lofty table.

Looking at the points I notice four maybe five players with the right idea of ascension and perhaps out of the four/five, One can open the Matrix and light our darkest hour.

Berkeley was awash in beautiful weather and tranquility. It felt we were operating a speakeasy or a secret meeting. This is the natural rise and fall of things. Last week was a massive turnout. This week can be described as just a notch above intimate. I'm not complaining. Just saying. Point being, we were done by sundown, Ricky managed his first point and just to make it interesting decided to win the poison battle as well. Boyd played strong to claim 2 points and tie with Mikey L. and John for second place.
But according to a late added 11th commandment, A.J. must be awarded at least one point in every game. Only kidding, he got a poison wicket kill.



Instead of highlights this week, I thought I'd present this slide show.

Jess, looking due west, probably with the 50th state on her mind. Or just talking to Boyd, can't tell which.



Games already in progress.




Dude, the sky.




A.J. watches with pure contempt before he transformed back into a large semi and drove over Dave's bike and Frankie.



A long first half of the season begins to take it's toll.





Dave's riddle on the agreed upon place (agreed upon by Ricky and Ricky only) is a short but sweet:

This ain't no mere park, this here's an estate.The name's even classy, that's why we hyphenate.
It's also the site, where Boyd got halfway before several people, had started to play.


Sunday's on the phone to Monday, Tuesday's on the phone to me, oh yeah...

The Citrus Deathstar Strikes Back

Game -9 McDonough Park


Results:
A.J. - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
John S. - 1 (GW)
Mikey L. - 1 (GW)
Tim - 1 (GW)
Jody - 1 (GW)

Standings:
A.J. - 11
Mike L. - 5
John S. - 4
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 3
Boyd - 3
Eric - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Kelly - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Dave - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
Martin - 1
Tim - 1
Jody - 1

--------------------------
Causality Loop

A.J. continues to dominate. Last Tuesday was no exception. A.J. won, again - Is he secretly setting himself up to become the greatest NSCC player who ever lived? Can you argue with the stats? Is it true if he finishes as the Champion he'll want that Bronze Statue?

So there was a little controversy regarding cheating and the cheating cheaters who cheat -

As it is, I'm not here to play judge, jury, or executioner, nor do I think this is the proper venue to single out those who cheat.
I'd rather just report on great big fun happy things! Like a guy using the girl-inal and being proud of it - SEE BELOW.

Lets just remember we're all here to have fun. The only thing we can do, which is the only thing we've ever done is play by the honor system, until those big fat sponsorship checks start rolling in and we can hire referees.

Besides, if there is cheating going on ya'll suck at it, cause A.J. is still winning.

Highlights!
-Large turnout. No rain plus plenty of shade and beer for all.

-Chris Brunn Returns. And he brought the Citrus Deathstar out of retirement.

-Phil pissing in the girl-inal. How is there no picture of this? Phil even flashed a big Cheshire grin to everyone who dared look over and laugh.

- I can't recall any more highlights, I was pretty drunk towards the end of my game, which probably contributed to my losing said game.

Lowlights!
- Strip Frisbee. Three douche bags playing Frisbee with no shirts.

Dave A.K.A The North Side Riddler was apprehended this week by the dynamic duo, but fear not true believers, because something tells me Dave has not teased his last twister of a brain-twister!

Anyway we're playing at Berkley, under the promenade, by the tennis courts.
Shit, you know where!


"Shorty, now you sounded so fine, give me your number we can bocce all night, playing croquet till the morning lie-EE-ight"

Ever Valiant

Game 8 - Sloans Lake

Results:
Boyd - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)

Eric - 1 (GW)

A.J. - 1 (GW)

Mikey L. - 1 (GW)

John S. - 1 (GW)

Martin - 1 (PWK)

Standings:

A.J. - 9

Mike L. - 4
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 3

John S. - 3

Boyd - 3

Eric - 3
Temuchin - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Kelly - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Dave - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1

Martin - 1

---------------------------------------

No excuse. The long weekend laid a mesmerizing melody on my mind and all responsibilities along with this blog were Pied Pipered away. But I've emerged from my gelatinous cocoon, a little sticky, naked, and for some reason clutching a pink plastic flamingo, but no worse for wear and ready with alacrity to report on our previous croquet match.

So, uh, does anyone remember anything funny or interesting that happened? I heard Jermaine Jackson died. Anything else?

Oh! Shockingly A.J. didn't win. But the Force is strong in that family and Boyd picked up the slack to win the day.

Highlights!

- Martin, way to go with getting your first point of the season unfortunately it came at a price: he poison wicket killed his own girlfriend for it. Ouch.

- Some of you might've spotted our special guest rolling around, the guy in the wheelchair with the laptop, everyone lets hear it for Stephen Hawking! And even though Mr. Hawking can't actually play with us, he was able to calculate who the winner would be. He also discovered what A.J.'s weakness was but before he could tell me, a large portal of energy opened up behind him and he was sucked through the vortex. Good luck!

- Carly's stupendous 8 wicket run.

- Shane made Sonia drop her ice cream. Why or how he did this I was not told. But John bought Shane an ice cream, then knocked it out of his hand before he could take a bite. Because no one messes with a Simpkins woman. Apparently.

- Ed's nonsense advice to Eric on which ball he should hit during the poison battle. Nonsense because - A. He was telling Eric which ball color was which. B. It was DARK. C. Oh yeah, Ed is COLORBLIND!!!

- There was a tournament about a week ago. It was ravenously documented by Mike and Jess so wait for the premier for highlights. Jake won. Phil was 2nd. And Dave got his money back. Here is a picture:

Shane In Ear Shot - "I thought I smelled pussy." (upon seeing Dom)

The Prince Of Puzzlers, The Count Of Conundrums: Dave and this weeks riddle:

Who knew about the Scotsman,
around the North side?
Maybe they don't show,
the same kind of pride?
But this park and it's sister,
southern by 10 blocks,
seem to be in tribute,
to the land o' the lochs.

Stuck between two saints,
Catherine and Clair.
Don't blink when you drive past,
you might not see it's there.
And If you're out cruisin',
On a Saturday night,
pass El Forastero,
and then take a right.

Everybody's working for next Tuesday...

Samuel 1:17

Game 7- Sunken Gardens (Now with 10% Less Bums!)


Results:
Kelly !! - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
John S. - 1 (GW)
Mike G. - 1 (GW)
Mikey L. - 1 (GW)
Melanie - 1 (GW)


Standings:
A.J. - 8
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 3
Mike L. - 3
John S. - 2
Temuchin - 2
Eric - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Kelly - 2
Kevin - 1
Jess - 1
Boyd - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Dave - 1
Doug - 1
Melonie - 1
--------------------------------

Congrats to Kelly, a.k.a. 'A.J.-Slayer' for forgoing the bounds and bastions of love and promptly beating the shit out of her boyfriend. Way to go Kel!
Not only did she kill AJ in her own game and thwarted his Hat Trick, but she fought on to win the Poison Battle -and the right to pick our next Thunderdome at....well, see if you can solve Dave's Riddle of Madness to find out!

Game 7 is officially in the books. It was a little soggy at the beginning but turned into a hot mess later with people shedding clothes like dirty hippies at an Askimbo concert. I'm starting to sound like a broken record with this weather we're having: Soak early, warm dry to finish, rinse, repeat.
We saw some new faces, and old friends return. The rain ran off the bums but they left mementos to remember them by...

Highlights!

-John and Sonia return from Mexico. John marked his return by playing like he never left. He glided through the course and killed everyone in our game to raise his overall point total to 2, which places him in a six-way-tie for 3rd place. Sonia wasn't too shabby neither and nearly poison-wicket-killed A.J. herself. If John can keep himself out of school, can he make a late run for a three-peat? *shudder*

- Also in the Late-Bloomer category Mike G. won his game. I don't know anything else about this game other than Mike won... Horseshit.

- Vivian's friend Joie (pronounced Joey) played her first game ever and provided her first ever highlight by being her own halfpipe when her ball ricocheted off a rock and rolled up her body. She meant to do that, by the way.

- Dave discovered where the bums hide their gold. Way to go Dave, you always had a nose for these things.

- 2 Square with a tiny ball. I think Mike declared himself champion of this wack-ass-game. Good work Mike, when it comes to tiny balls you're truly a champion.

-Also if you turn to Part 10, subsection 2 in your NSCC rules manual you'll see that it actually says you CAN bring beer to croquet.


Dave In Ear Shot - "Shitter on the Rocks!"



Tourney Time!
We will have our first proper tournament of the season this Sunday at 1:00 at Mike and Margaret's house. Bring Your Own Everything. That includes but is not limited to zoo animals and bazookas and fire trucks and priests and drugs and booze! There will be a $5 buy in.



"Batman: The Riddler is loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums"
-From The 60's Batman TV show.

The park we're playing this week, it has quite a curious history
How it became the way it is, is a bit of a mystery.
It's thought there was a farmer, who dug a well and went to bed.
the next day went out to his field, and found a lake instead.
We've not taken advantage, of this parks immense size.
This year lets give the tennis folk, a croquet club surprise
But there's two different courts you say, which one should I choose?
The first part of our name, should supply the relevant clues.



It may be the PBR talking but the PBR says see you there

Your the Best Around! Nothing's Gonna Ever Keep You Down!

Game 6 - Zuni Park


Results:
A.J. - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Mikey - 1 (GW)
Dave - 1 (GW)
Doug -1 (GW)

Standings:
A.J. - 8
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 2
Temuchin - 2
Eric - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Mike L. - 2
Kevin - 1
John S. - 1
Jess - 1
Boyd - 1
Frankie - 1
Julie - 1
Dave - 1
Doug - 1


Something deep is stirring, the drums are beating, It has awoken.


Producing blogs about people playing croquet badly is an easy venture. Add a couple of drunks falling flat on their faces, a dash of Red doing anything, and top it off with some knucklehead falling out of a tree and you've cooked up a nice, entertaining, funny feature. But when someone is playing great the muse is reticent.

I overheard some suggest placing a curse or at least some "bad vibes" on A.J. This will not work. A.J. has already taken the necessary steps to insure protection from such jinxes. The tale as told is a good one - let's unlock this further, come with me, won't you?

PART 1.
A.J. was already aware of his talent at croquet. He could amass a few points here and there with a good shot at challenging for 1st place. But this was not good enough, and AJ knew that if he wanted to achieve complete victory and dominate his opponents he would need an even greater strength. A divine strength. And AJ knew just where to get it.
Meanwhile, high above in the heavenly abodes of Asgard, the warrior-god Tyr sat upon his throne of ice and wolf's hide. Tyr -One-Handed, paused while imbibing his mead as if hearing faint whispers rise and die on the wind. Gulping down the rest of his mead, the Warrior God felt it settle in his iron belly with the uneasy alloy of forbode and vicissitude.
TO BE CONTINUED...

Okay so before I get to the highlights let me just say: I suggest we all make an effort, to you know, PLAY and not just roll over and with exposed tummies simply hand A.J. the trophy. Someone needs to start going on a run and needs to start like, yesterday. As I see it, no matter your score, we're ALL in second place now. But there is plenty of croquet left.


Highlights!

- Proof that God plays croquet or at least is a Northsider: Just as the games started up, the rain broke and the rest of the night was clear and cool.

- Kelly stuck on the mound of mulch. Not so much stuck as she was USED by EVERYONE in her game to get through the mound of mulch wicket. I think she set up a total of 200 times but was knocked out of place just so some fool could go through. Next time Kelly, forgo the wicket and just chase everyone and send them into any street, pool of water or bush available.

- Birthday at croquet with Shane. We may not have broken into song this time but I think a card was passed around along with some gin!

- Mike G's debut of his new mallet. A fine piece of woodwork. Unfortunately, his sad devotion to his mallet didn't help him win his game or conjure up the stolen data tapes or give him clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress...

-An old lesbian couple walked up to Stephanie and asked if we were performing a "team building exercise"
Morally Conscious Reader: How do you know they were Lesbian?
Me: Because the dogs they were walking were gay and the bigger one challenge me to arm wrestle.
Morally Conscious Reader: What do you mean, old?
Me: Hey, age ain't nuthin' but a number, but I think one of them was George Washington.

Mikey In Ear Shot x2! -- "Hey...your dog's got Little Caesar's!" and "That sounded like the thrust of Thor!"


Dave's Riddle (The Return)

Once again the location to next weeks game will be revealed IF you can solve this riddle:

They say it's a garden, but the flowers are missing.
Instead you get homeless dudes, shitting and pissing.
Those must be the graduates, all heading forth,
from the only high school, that was crappier than North.
So meet by the rocks which makes this park unique.
We'll run off the homeless dude, taking a leak.
We'll play a late game, lit by ambulance light.
And when it's all over, we'll watch a bum fight!

Go Team.

Dawn of the Dead

Game 5 - City of Cuernavaca Park



Results:

A.J. - 2 (Game Winner, Big Winner)
Zach - 1 (GW)
Poops - 1 (GW)
Julie - 1 (GW)
Carly - 1 (GW)


Standings:

A.J. - 6
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Poops - 3
Mike G. - 2
Temuchin - 2
Eric - 2
Zach - 2
Carly- 2
Kevin - 1
John S. - 1
Jess - 1
Boyd - 1
Frankie - 1
Mike L. - 1
Julie - 1


Once more with feeling - Three cheers for John and Sonia and a truly splendid ceremony. Way to get hitched in style guys. We countered the old sorcery from turning our carriages back into pumpkins and salsaed until the early 'morn. Or at least till 9:30. Enjoy the days enduring you crazy kids. And in honor of your magical mystery honeymoon to Mexico we decided to play at a park named after a city in Mexico. (Okay not really, but just tell them that we they get home)

Ah Cuernavaca, lying in the shadow of a once crumbling silo, phased into luxury.
Cuernavaca, you cradle budding yuppies who, in their matching shirts and Heinken, automate in some pre-mating ritual known to layman's as "kick-ball."
But buried deep within you is a dark secret; and once a year those who remember your former ruins, surface and stalk your sacred grounds to drink heavily, play croquet, and leave your port-a-potties in a terrible decay unfit for subhumans. The yuppies, used to their conformity, weep and cower in befuddlement until we submerge once more.


A.J. Boyd has now taken a commanding 6 point lead. Since he was in my game I feel a little responsible for this, as I was also poison at one point. However, I was unaware that A.J.'s ball was carved out of the same wood as Chuck Norris's balls and AJ's ball proceeded to kick my ball in the nuts. The end.

Highlights!

Instead of our usual quick review of highlights I'm trying something a little different this time. A message was delivered to me by Pony Express. It was written on cardboard torn from a case of Pabst. A little hard to decipher the writings of what I assume was a drunk Irishman, yet I will try to translate here:

-'"You are an affirmation" - E.O.' I think the 'E.O.' stands for Eric Orr. But who is this mysterious "affirmation"? The easy assumption would be me, but I transcended affirmation months ago and became infallible. So, who could it be...

-'"you are an asshole"- D.K.' This has to be Doug. And being Doug, the 'asshole' just might be the asshole in every single one of us.

-"u cant spell" - That's just ironical.

-"America"
-"Generic"

-"without Eric"

I would like to solve the puzzle: Things that would be incomplete without Eric.


Christine In Ear Shot - "Spilled Beer = Libation for the Earth!"
Yes, she actually pronounced the "=" sign in some sort of binary language that can't be spoken with the human tongue. It resembles the same high-pitched, electronic whirring sound that an old modem emits while connecting online.


Next week - Zuni Park

See you there.

Movin' On Up

Game 4 - Jefferson Park


Just to note: Heaps of praise and kudos to Adam and Sheena and their tremendous wedding on Sunday. A splendid time had by all. And what a reception, everyone beat the drum with such effusive happiness as we called the sun out and made the rain our bitch.

Results:
Poops - Game Winner, Big Winner
Temuchin- GW
Eric - GW, And Birthday boy. (no points will be awarded due to date of croquet falling upon the yearly observance of your parturition. Thank you.)
Carly - GW
A.J. - Poison Wicket Kill (of his own brother no less)

Standings:
A.J. - 4
Red - 3
Josh - 3
Mike G. - 2
Temuchin - 2
Eric - 2
Poops - 2
Kevin - 1
John S. - 1
Jess - 1
Boyd - 1
Frankie - 1
Zach - 1
Mike L. - 1
Carly -1


And the book says, "we may be through with the winter, but the winter ain't through with us." Now I could launch off into Tirade about Colorado weather and it's unpredictability, blah, blah, blah, but as natives this attrition has worn our interests to the nub. Maybe it was just retribution for the nice weather during Lucero.
Whatever the case, it was wet and cold but we played on and even managed a little frisbie in between.

Highlights!

-Eric's Birthday party!!! Now that Askimbo has gone the way of the dodo, perhaps this can become the new birthday celebration. If your birthday falls out of season, tough titty. Anyway, there was singing, presents, candles and cake. Even the ever-carper Eric had to crack a smile and took to wearing a "Happy Birthday" sash the rest of the game. This sash granted him the Powers of Grayskull and Sight Beyond Sight to win his game, but ultimately forsook him in the Poison Battle to Spoiler-Carly. She didn't mean it. Honestly. I think.


- Highlights? What highlights? It was fucking cold and the ground was soaking, goddamn wet. You want something positive? Here:




Hero of the Game: Eric (see above)

Everyone in Ear Shot - "Happy Birthday to Ericccccccc!"

So as I go to print here, still no riddle from Dave. S'alright, I understand he's probably busy these days.

Game 5 - City of Cuernavaca Park

See you there.

The River Wild

Game 3- Ralston Grove Park

Results
A.J. - 2 Big Winner, Game Winner
Josh - 1 Poison Wicket Kill
Zach - 1 GW
Mike G. - 1 GW
Mike L. - 1 GW

Standings
Red- 3 points
Josh - 3 Points
A.J. - 3 Points
Mike G - 2 Points
Kevin - 1
Temuchin- 1
John S. - 1
Jess - 1
Boyd - 1
Jake - 1
Eric - 1
Zach - 1
Mike L. - 1


As a member of the North Side Croquet Club it seems at times we are bound by some mystical circle that anchors our very souls to the earth bordered by 1-25, 1-70, Wadsworth and Speer. Then one of our flock remembers it's in our nature to explore this land's hidden mysteries and parks. Kudos to Josh for finding a pretty cool fucking place to play. Nestled in a sleepy neighborhood in Arvada, Ralston Cove provided unusually shaped trees, rolling hills and a raging creek (more on that later). In the shadow of a retirement community whose inhabitants looked down with longing eyes and golden re-call until, that is, Zach said he might go pee right in front of their window.

Highlights!

-Low attendance. Okay not a highlight but worth mention for the quick games and halftime at the same time for everyone.


-Viv's "It was pimp style" Shot - With one shot Viv went through the halfway wicket, hit the post and came back through. Did I mention the wicket and post were resting on large tree stump about a foot and half off the ground?

-The Nature lovers or GPS-cheating-scavenger-hunters. This group of 5 or more strangers were just staring at trees near our game. Who were they? What did they want? Luckily, Josh was able to speak there language and soon deduced that they meant no harm. He began to integrate himself into their customs and courtesies, agent provocateur, soon he shall lift the veil from their eyes, soon he shall lead them from scavenger to legion, soon they shall rise their numbers darkening the horizon, soon they will jump-start the engine that ends the empire.
and that my friends, that is when his real work will begin...

Zach In Ear Shot - "Right in the nipple!"

Hero of the Game
Phil
Thankfully, John was able to capture on camera Phil's might.
I suggest you watch it.
Here's a quick preview:
In a world where Carly's ball was helplessly bobbing down a raging creek, Phil knew that he and he alone could save it, with a move that was powered by awesome, Phil leapt over the creek to the other shore. Then, his trusty partner Mikey Lyons called to Phil and hurled him a mallet, everyone watched in awe as the mallet spun through the air for what seemed like an eternity until caught! By Phil! He raised the mallet to the sky and roared with triumph as he called lightning out of the sky to smite his enemies. Then he used the mallet to get Carly's ball out of the water.


Boyd's Bullshit Hall of Fame-
If you're setting up the course and you're wickets look like this: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!




P.S. The bullshit of these wicket set-ups was so immense that Boyd's camera couldn't handle their bullshittery and the rest of his pics came out all blurry.
Just remember what your elders told you, "sometimes, the old magic is best."


And finally, Dave has written a riddle to all who decided not to come. The answer is the name of next week's park.
See you there.

Well this park's namesake knocked up his slaves,
Was the first to suggest the removal of braves,
Though he talked a good game about abolition,
The slaves that he owned never left that condition.
And the park itself, was also full of shit,
in that it was a landfill, then we remade it
On the north side of town, this park was the first,
And it's finally fun, since the cops have dispersed

Coke Blocked

Game 2 - Vigil Park/Virgil Park/Globeville Landing -The park with an Identity Crisis

Josh - (2) Game Winner; Big Winner

Jess - (1) Game Winner

Boyd - (1) Game Winner

Jake - (1) Game Winner

Eric - (1) Poison Wicket Kill

A.J. - (1) Poison Wicket Kill

STANDINGS-

Red- 3 points

Josh -2
Mike G.- 1
Kevin - 1
Temuchin- 1
John S. - 1

Jess - 1

Boyd - 1

Jake - 1

Eric - 1

A.J. - 1

First off, big apology for the lateness here -- I want these blogs to be out by Thursday, at the least. That there's my plan...anyway on with Game 2-

The ianuary season continues to emerge from it's hollow, taking its first teetering steps, eyes squinting into the sun. However, everyone on Tuesday seemed to be in mid-season form. Big plays, Big games, Big laughs, Big drinkers it's going to be a good '09. I hate to see the same names on the scoreboard, but it's early yet. Anyway, the games began with a crack of thunder and a quick rain delay, which was just God's way of saying "Shit. Hold up, I need to bocce!"

Highlights:

- The Yellow Game --All yellow balls, all yellow wickets, all yellow-rat-bastards. Why! Why not?

I sure hope no one caught Jaundice in that game.

- Shane playing with one foot in a cast and on crutches. Not much of a highlight in itself but then he managed to dodge a shot blasted by Josh (accidentally), without falling or dropping an ounce of his beer. Shane should be proud, but it wasn't enough to secure him Hero of the Game.

-Tequila!

-Mike denied Poison by a discarded Coke can.

Hero Of The Game- Geoff Orr.

Denny (Nick's dog) was tied to a post under the promenade, when without warning or reason decided he had enough of this cruel world or "scent + squirrel=chase!" and jumped up and over the big wall. The bundle of black fur, held taught by a cheap $5 collar that was now the very noose squeezing the life out of his body; when suddenly out of nowhere Geoff leapt down and lifted Denny back onto the bench and to safety. Another day saved, the hero humbly whispered, "no problem," then shot straight into the sky to stop the moon from crashing into the earth.

Jess In Ear Shot- "I felt my ball quiver!" We all did Jess, we all did.

NEXT GAME-

I haven't received the riddle from Dave regarding the location of next weeks game, so I have to do it myself again -

When traveling west

A forgotten key will complete your quest

Ralston Cove Park

58th and Independence

See you there.

Croquet est mortuus, porro ago croquet

Game 1- Apel-Bacher

Red- 3 points. / 1-poison wicket kill/ 1-game winner/ 1-overall game winner
Yeah, you read that right.
Mike G.- 1 point game winner
Kevin - 1 point game winner
Temuchin- 1 point game winner
John S. - 1 point game winner
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of the treacherous drifts of everwinter the Northside Croquet Club emerged with PBR in our clutches, and as a thicket of mallets were raised to the sky a reveille was heard: GAME ON! After a short preseason that saw us visit only 3 parks, the steadfast Wolf Park; the haunted grounds on which a carousel once stood and Mosquito park; which I think deserves a name change to just The Island. 'Cause for most of us, like the Island on Lost, even if you've been there before you can never remember how to get back. It's when you stop looking for it that Mosquito Park finds you.

Preseason saw it's share of highlights. First off - Let's hear it for Tashina and her crafty invention, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: "The Girlunal"Now NSCC ladies can fear neither lack of restroom facilities or evergreen bushes.Tashina already deserves MVP for her contribution.

Other highlights of preseason:Preseason Game I (Wolf Park) - The introduction of Kevin's Beer Belt, this fancy beer holster will keep Kev the fastest drinker in the west.

PS Game II (Carousel Park Eliches) - Kevin sitting on, then breaking, then repairing Tyler's bike.
-Zach doesn't play by your rules. Fucker.
-Boyd's ricochet of the wall back through Deme's legs shot. (Not Funny)
-The figure eight course that was neither a figure, an eight nor a course.

PS Game III- Mosquito Park The ISLAND!!
-Laura Schiavone took a break from conquering the MMA circuit and her training from an undisclosed location deep in the jungles of Thailand to join us for some croquet.
-Marika doesn't play by your rules.
-DOGS!
-Poops: Even a cashed Poops is still a dangerous animal
-Stephanie's infa-red scope/headlamp
-Mikey Lyons In Ear Shot. :"Watch your rabbit turd A.J.!"


Game 1 Highlights:
-Dave's Bitch Wicket: A wicket wedged between two trees
-Krisha's kick shot that she managed to pull off without actually striking the mallet with her foot. "It just flicked up and hit the ball!" -Krisha
-Kevin's double wicket shot UP a hill for Poison from downtown.
-Kevin blasted in the chest by Tashina's ball. "She hit me in the goddamn solar plexus!" -Kevin


I know Dave was proposing a riddle with the answer being the next park as penance for those who don't stay until the end, so I'll do this one for Game 2.
Game 2 -At Virgil Park. Near the Pepsi Cola Bottling Company.

What?
See you there.

P.S. As we surge forward into the season, rants/raves/suggestions/ideas are always welcome for this blog.

The Final Countdown

Sadly, the NSCC 2008 season is officially over. For the first time ever we have a repeat champ. Give it up for John Simpkins! After a grueling match to the death, John has triumphed and beat all odds. Did anyone even notice him sneak up in rank this season. That dude came out of no where!

They say that all good things must come to an end. And I say that all good things come with a straw and a lime.

The summer of shenanigans and debauchery was a good one, and I have to say, we've really stuck with this croquet thing. We've played through flash floods and mosquitos, for the love of the game. Croquet is our common denominator, and I already cant wait until next year!

Top 5:

1. Tashina's idea for a portable girls pisser next year.

2. Mike G. and me rockin' out to Guns n' Roses on my cell phone.

3. Ricky yells "watch out!", while John Simpkins walks right through the blast zone yelling "what did I miss!?", and then gets hit by the ball.

4. The awards ceremony (Should we keep this a tradition?)

5. The cluster fuck of people at the wicket mound.

Bonus Top 5:

6. Peeing in the tree with Naomi and Steph.

7. I spelled wrangler wrong on Jake's button.

8. Most talkative Temechin getting his 1st point by poison wicket kill on Mike G.

9. Phil apologizing to everyone as he knocked them over in the chicken fight.

10. The first two-peat in NSCC history by Mr. John Simpkins, defender of the year.

Tip of the Week:

According to the rules you can wicket kill on any wicket in ANY game, it's a matter of ethics or pride or whatever to not do it. Should there be a referendum on this? And then Boyd said, read the fucking rules and remember them! So Im assuming rule shit still needs tuning.

Slogan of the Week:

"I got so hot pounding that pole" - Julie

Hero of the Week:

Eric and Nate for the beer run.

Douche-Bag of the Week:

Red for killing Chachi, when all Chach needed was 1 point to beat John. (I think we all felt Chachi's frustration!)

That Ain't Right!: By Carly

"I have a few, most important, Frankey killin' me AGAIN, running out of beer, the bathrooms being locked, and kevin getting a head lamp for the last game and moving it right before someone would take their shot."

Lets Get O.G.:

"Wow, I remember coming to this park back when I was young and wholesome." - Jeff Orr

and Nate's new ride is pretty O.G.

I've heard a rumor of a game next week for fun. Sounds pretty awesome. I think as long as the weather stays dry, we have a good shot a few more games.

I just want to thank everyone for their continued contributions to a great season. Thanks for the beer and thanks for putting your two cents into the blog.

A special thank you goes out to Dave Simpkins. Without Dave, we wouldn't have mallets, courses, or a website. His commitment to the league is outstanding!

One last food for thought; we came, we played, John conquered. 

...to be continued in 2009 bitches!

Me So Horny

You can't have a poster with 2 Live Crew on it and not name your blog "Me So Horny", right?

For those of you not familiar with the word... Horn-y; adjective (horn-i-er, horn-i-est); 1. of or resembling horn: a horny beak / horny nails; hard and rough: horny, dry skin; 2. informal feeling or arousing sexual excitement; Derivatives; horn-i-ness (noun).

Show of hands for cro-horny? Maybe cro-corny?

Top 5:

1. Boyd's Swifer Wifer

2. Dartmouth Triple D's (I heart you Eric!)

3. Dave says, BUY YOUR TICKETS FOR BEER FEST ON SATURDAY!!!

4. Savannah, spreadin' um for Krisha.

5. Who is she (Tashina) playing with? She might just be a league of her own!

Tip of the Week:

AJ "3 Shakes and a 90 degree angle" (New nickname? "Downtown AJ Brown", write that down)

Slogan of the Week:

"You've got to kick it with your heart" (Carly) "...and sole" (Frankey)

Lets Get O.G.:

Did we play here last year?????

Hero of the Week:

Shane for supplying the ALL DUDE half time.

Douche-Bag of the Week:

Shane said Mike G. and Poops. Don't argue, just let it happen.

Where's Chachi?:

Waxing his vagina in Broomfield somewhere. (Whoa low blow)

Things I Shouldn't have Overheard:

"I'm the backstop, not the basket." -Dave Simpkins, followed by the girls chanting "clench it, clench it!"

Obscure Misc.

WTF? We played mosquito last week!

Shout Outs:

Happy Anniversary Savannah and Red!

Cro-Nominations:

Dave nominated me as the "Ministry of Information". I accept, and I'm hiring John Simpkins as my speech writer.

Hey guys, I hope you all had a really kick ass season. I know I did!

Next week is the last blog of the season. Although we've been doing the community blogs, I think I might make next week's a "best of".

Also, everyone please STICK AROUND after next weeks game! Im working on getting Mike G. to finish the player cards, Boyd and I have a super cool surprise, and there WILL be chicken fighting. 

So remember your helmet, and tell your sweetheart that you'll be home late... and drunk.

Whole Lotta Love

I never got the chance last week to write anything, and am currently fighting with my kitten over the poster. Damn, she loves paper. Last weeks game was sort of bittersweet because it marked the end of parks being called for games. It seems as though this season flew by when it was barely getting good!

Next week (Or should I say tomorrow night) is at Anderson Park on 23rd and Clay, and the week after that is our season close at Wolff Park. I think we should call a bbq for that game, of course all byo.

Top 4:

1. Mike G.'s run from poisons to poison.

2. Chris Red dedicated his win to Savannah!

3. The horizontal 8 wicket game. Apparently Jake & Marika's course not only had a wicket in the side of the tree, they also discovered at the very end, that there where only 8 wickets in play.

4. Nate's stealth kamikaze.

Slogan of the Week:

"My mouth tastes like a department store"

Hero of the Week:

Tashina for getting the bug spray, and Dee for texting in the 38 cents/gal premium gas at 38th & pierce. Someone got fired that night!

Douche-bag of the Week:

The mosquitos, Red crossed out to look like Boyd and then vetoed, and Deme for spraying bug spray in everyone's beer.

That Sounds Good!: By Tashina

Pissin' at my house at half time.

Things I Shouldn't have Overheard:

"I've thought about smothering him in his sleep... I mean... smothering him with love."

Balls of the Week:

We weren't sure what Jake meant by wanting to add this category, so after a silly conversation with Shane, we decided that Shane has the balls of the week.

Where's Amber?:

Mowing the lawn in one way or another.

Where's Mikey?:

Laying the pipe.

Which brings us to the Tip of the Week:

You've got to dig the grass to lay the pipe.

Don't know how that all happened, but you can probably blame Carly. Just kidding, it was all in good fun. See you all next week!