Shoot To Thrill

Like sand through the hour glass, this is the croquet of our life. This weeks game, Congress Park. It was nice to not have to haul shit a half mile across the park, however the grass was sort of blonde and dead in the area we decided to play in, and not only that, but I think we where all tasting dirt from the wind blowing off of the soccer field. 

So Jake and I are back! If you are a friend to my myspace, check out our jungle croquet pics. A couple of days before we left we found ourselves in a Walmart (go figure), low and behold, an entire wall of croquet sets gleaming in the fluorescent lights. I think we are the only owners of a croquet set on Maui. (Those shits where dusty as hell!) Anyway, we had a pretty good match that day.

Its good to be back to the Top 5:

1. John hit his ball uphill and it rolled back downhill through 2 wickets that where at least 15 feet apart. Im told that this was quite and amazing sight!

2. Eric's pirouette around the croquet ball to avoid interference.

3. Kevin and the kick stand. "Ladies he's not just tall." - Maura Bryn

4. Skinny Tim and he Components

5. Eric sending John from the fence in the middle of the park to the bus bench on 8th Avenue.

Eric's is still coming up strong on these top 5's people. Is anyone else funny, or does this blogger just happen to be around him during these moments? I would have to say that Eric's response to all of this would be. "That's what I do!" 

Speaking of Eric, he is also the topic of "Things you shouldn't have overheard"...

"Eric hits the batting cage with his mallet, he's the silent assassin."

"He must be bi-polar."

Tip of The Week: By Medicine Man

Always put you mallet where you mouth is. Followed by, "I'm not really sure what that means."

Shane & Poops Douche-bag of the Week:

POOPS for sure this week, and that's my nomination. I was recording points and he had me convinced that he won his game. Little bastard. And I think that Shane would have to agree with me on naming the hill on their course a douche-bag (Or who ever set it up). His whole team spent at least an hour there.

Slogan of the Week:

My notes are all smeared so Im going to wing it on what it says. I believe this one is from Carly and AJ. "You've got to pussyfoot around the poison pole like a first time stripper." If I screwed that one up, I apologize.

Last not not least the Hero of The Week: Boyd named me as the hero, because I poison wicket killed Dave. Boyd needs a hero, he's holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night, she's gotta be strong, and she's gotta be fast, and she's gotta be fresh from the fight! And IM that HERO!!! Oohh ooohhh oooohhhh! I know the girls are singing!

So John is the weiner, and picked City of Cuernevaca. I guess its time to say hello to the kick ball teams. See you all there, and good to see you all this week!

Sympathy For The Devil

So it seemed like I wrote a lot more down last night than I have on paper this morning. I must have just been writing slowly due to the complete darkness. Why would the city go to all the expense and effort of putting all those light poles up if they weren't going to turn them on when it got dark? Other than that little thing, I think that Globeville has got to be my new favorite park. We even had air support! Were the black helicopters circling us specifically or did we just happen to be in their training zone? Did we almost get riot controlled? The military insists it's not related to the convention or to croquet surveillance, and is just routine counter-terrorism training, but I got the feeling that we were about to be intervened upon.
Since I'm writing these while Jess is on vacation, and because I'm lazy, and because it seems like a sensible thing to do, I'm gonna combine top 5 with the winners and all that other stuff, and make one massive super recap. You should probably go to the restroom and make a drink now, because we might be here for a while. Hours perhaps, maybe days. But I'll try and wrap it up by next Tuesday though so that we can start all over again.
Speaking of next Tuesday, Dak (2 points) was the winner of the PBR (poison battle royale) and has called Congress Park. We're gonna do it at the parking lot this time and not the random spot I accidentally picked before. Also winning their games were Red (1 point), Deme (5 points, 1st place(tied)), Josh (2 points) and myself (5 points, 1st place(tied)). And now on to the top 5-

1-Temuchin's round the park tour - If you missed it, which might have been hard to do since his ball came through just about every game, he hit a massive drive from the bottom of the park , which followed the bike path all the way to the top, banked off the grass, through the pavilion, down the stairs, and right back to the bottom of the park again.
2-The boob cooler - It is not a cooler for the beer, it is a cooler for the boobs which is made from the beer. Also related to the boob cooler is the Tagline of the week - The boobs that launched a thousand drunken...
3- The angry bikers - Not the scary kind of angry biker, what with the Harley's and the guns and the Methamphetamine, but the kind of angry biker that wears spandex and looks fruity and yells "on your left" alot, which only confuses everybody 'cause they're all facing different directions. So everyone steps to their right, which causes the biker to crash in a horrible burning wreck. Or at least give us some dirty looks. Perhaps they're the ones that called in the National Gaurd on us?
4- Poops' 6 wicket run - He got a lot of shit for nominating his own run for top 5, but it was a 6 wicket run, and somebody else might have nominated it for him if they weren't so damned petty.
5- The Wave in the fan section - Another bad-ass thing about Globeville is the stadium seating overlooking the playing field, which almost always makes waves spontaneously appear in groups of drunkards, be they croquet drunkards or drunkards of a more traditional type. Bringing the wave back through in the feet seems like a new innovation to me though. Can you trademark a kind of wave?

This Weeks Bad-ass/Hero of the week has to be Eric, hands down, who recognized early that there was an impending beer shortage, and took all the measures necessary to solve the problem, returning with enough beer to finish the game out, and the after party, and some for the wicked hangover he probably had this morning.

The Douchebag of the week is AJ, who killed the hero of the week on his first turn back.

Overheard of the week -
Are you wearing a thong?
No, I have a wedgie.

Tip of the week comes from Dak, our PBR champion - "I don't wanna win, I just want to go to sleep." Well you can't always get what you want.

So yeah, Congress Park next week. See y'all there

Death or Glory

So an interesting new place to play at Sloan's, but still no bathrooms, and so once again my van got pissed all over. But at least the wind didn't come raging over the lake reeking of dead fish on this side. It's a big damn park, I'm sure we'll find the perfect spot someday. Either that or we can start bringing our own lights and port-o-potties to every game.
Anyhow, my note taking this time was much more legible than last, in part because I remembered to bring paper, and other people helped write shit down. There are still a few illegible passages, but I've got more than enough information here without them anyway. So in no particular order

1-Eric's hooker shot through the paper wicket (Shortie's got hips). Ask Josh or Eric. I just write this shit down. Their enthusiasm was more than enough to convince me it deserved top 5 status, even if nobody could properly explain it.
2-Margaret's first point ever. This also served to point out to me that Margaret had no bio page despite playing for so long. I'm sorry, and we'll address this again later in the posting.
3-Shane's skipping intro to the smoking circle. Again, I've got no idea, and this one's not in my handwriting. Ask Shane I suppose?
4-Marco avenging his daughter Sonia's death with a wicket kill on shane. His first game, his first point, his family's honor defended. Now he just has to deal with my brother.
5-The all female poison battle. If Tim or Poops is reading this, refer to the tip of the week. Welcome to the top of the standings.

Since Jess has started the tradition of starting new topics every week, here's a new one that's not so confrontational. Viv was nominated for Bad-ass of the week. Apparently because she "made it rain", which I can only assume is a euphemism for something else, as I was several yards away the whole night, and it never rained on my game (just on my van).

The Tip of the week this week comes from AJ-
"They're gonna call you a pussy anyway, It doesn't matter what you do"

The best overheard conversation that shouldn't have happened comes from Steph who was heard as follows-
"It's pretty hard and crusty, but I'll shove it up there"

Douchbag of the Week- I think it's gonna have to be me for the second week in a row. This week it's because I called Julie Steph, after I'd already deleted her point from the site, and I forgot to give Margaret a bio page for the last year and a half.

That's it for week 6, see y'all Tuesday at Globeville Landing.

Murders in the Rue Morgue

When Iron Maiden becomes Iron Maydan.

Apel-Bacher park was awesome. There where a few comments about Nate's sucky mow job, which I have to admit, the lawn was a little ruff.  We had a pretty good turn out at the game, although when we usually play that park, Leighton shows. He was a no show for this one. 

Speaking of seeing someone, I also was told to mention Maura's uncanny ability to be all over the website. "Officially, Im the photographer!", she said, followed by many chuckles and a reference to drinking.

There are a lot more people on the point board after this week! Apparently Deme and Dave S. are forces to be reckoned with! Lets see some more SENDING!

Top 5 (in no particular order):

1. Jake hitting his ball into Boyd's shin before the game started.

2. Finding out what Maura & Poops playing "doctor" meant.

3. The Pine-cone Shootout

4. John Simpkins dubbing my kitten, the Croqitten. (my baby's name is Wicket)

5. Maura almost getting blasted in the face by Sonia's high ball on the play ground.

I also have a two new topics for the forum. You'll know it when you see it. More categories to be thought of and added. New idea's are appreciated. We gots to keep this shit spicy!

Tip of the Week by Deme & Marika:

If people are standing around watching a poison about to happen, they should probably be watching the ball.

Poops' & Shane's Douche-Bag of the Week:

After naming each other they then replied with, Dave S. for winning, and Pete Coors for not providing cold beer.

Conversation's that shouldn't of happened:

"Ever since we went to the bathroom under the pine tree, my panties have NOT been the same." replied with "Maybe you shouldn't wear them to croquet."

That's all for this week. Dave or John will be writing the blog for the next two weeks cause Jake and I will be in Hawaii! ALOHA!

Sweet Child of Mine

Gotta love Berkeley Park. Was it just last year that Dom was yelled at by that guy for having Mateo off his leash, and then Dom yelled back in that guy's face? Oh memories. No wait, last year all the girls, excluding myself where doing boobie pictures.  Ha ha!

Special thanks to Savannah for ordering pizza and Gen for crafting that delicious key lime pie! Also, a special shout out to Shane's leg, we hope you heal soon!

Top 5:

1. Nate's ball splitting in half, and then splitting into thirds!

2. Mikey saying " lets roll a joint into a slice of pizza."

3. Chachi's amazing shot out of the croquet bag.

4. Mike asked for the lights to be turned on in the park, in which Huevos Rancheros somehow  became expectopetronuss. Needless to say, neither works.

5. Julie getting 100% in her game. She got poison and killed every player! Go Julie!

This weeks game had lots of laughs, especially Zach and Christine's tip of the week.

I had originally asked Zach earlier in the night if he would like to provide the tip, since I know Zach to always have something clever to say. This one however, came from Christine, as Zach's other half. It just sort of happened. Needless to say, I will have to briefly explain where it came from. So without further ado...

Tip of the Week, by Christine & Zach:

"When you're peeing close to your friends, it just makes sense that your balls would roll in it."

The boys in my game (Dave S., Mikey, Mike G. & Chris Red) had all been peeing next to Dave's van, and then later in the game, they kept hitting there croquet balls into it. I love Christine. She's so silly!

Last but not ever least, thank you thank you thank you to Stephanie for the beautiful piece of artwork. I had to call a second half time in our game so I could stare at it. You are wonderful!

Thanks to everyone who brought beers. You rule. See you next week at Apel-Baucher.

Finger Lickin' Good

So Jess is off this week as her priorities are all screwed up and she missed the game. Apparently I was not entirely there either if my top 5 and winners list is any indication. But anyhow, these are the top 5 things that I can decipher from my shoddy records.
1-Eric - I see his name on here several times, once in relation to the "mulch madness" and once to "the 3's". People always seem to be the cheeriest after a game when it's Eric that wins. If he keeps playing like he was on Tuesday, people will get over that quick enough.
2-Sprite
3-Whatever battle was going on between Boyd and Poops - They both kept calling bullshit on each other as their submissions to the top 5 list.
4-The longest halftime ever - I've heard as long as an hour, but that's probably an exaggeration, brought about by the time distorting effects of halftime.
5-The bullshit list - the bulk of suggestions I was given for "best of" moments were actually submissions for the bullshit list, which doesn't actually exist.

So that's about all I can read from my notes. Next week is at Berkeley Park, and this time, player pics for the reals.

Pretty Young Thing

Call it what you want to all it, but I think we might be croquet-a-holics. Did anyone else notice the mass amounts of beer at this weeks game? I think we just paid some hobo's rent for the next two months with the amount of cans that entered the trash. Who said we weren't a charitable organization!

So this week was pretty cold and damp. Not the usual weather for May, but for the NSCC, games are played rain AND shine.

What's really hilarious is when it rains for the entire game and you keep asking yourself "why am I here?" and then you never leave. Is it the love of the game? Or the thought of a possible point to get you off the NPP list? Im not going to lie, its the NPP list.

This Weeks Top 5:

1. Christine asking Margaret "Remember when you used to suck?"

2. Anthony, the tiniest member of the league, having a bad ass run while there where two poisons after him. Go little man!

3. Zach poison killing John. He shot through the picnic table and down the hill. (Wish I could have seen that!)

4. John's attempt to bowl over another game with Poops' spare tire.

and finally...

5. The ridiculousness of hearing that former member Melanie, started a new league. "the South Side Croquet League." That's lame. Banished for life I tell you.

This weeks tip comes from our very own John Simpkins: "Just punch yourself in the face and you'll forget". Even though this tip came from a long rooted conversation about bowel movements, I think we can all apply it to different things in our life to make it work. Thanks John.

I haven't heard where next weeks game will be, but I can tell you that we WILL be taking player card pics at this game. Lets face it, who wants to remember the croquet season with scarves, hats and pink noses?

We All Live in a Yellow Submarine

As with all things in spring, the grass gets greener, the trees form leaves, flowers are in bloom, bee's are a pollenatin', and twenty some odd North Side folks, holding mallets and beer, walk into a park for a friendly match of croquet.

Surprisingly enough, there were a few faces amongst the crowd that I wasn't expecting to see. Hasn't Nate announced at every season that this season would probably be his last? It made me glad that he hasn't given up on the wild banshee group of ball whacking boozers that we call Northsiders. A privilege to be one in fact.

Welcome back to another glorious season of shit talking and mallet busting.

Last week's game: Wolff Park

Jess' Top 5

1. Carly tripping over wickets before the game even started, and before she cracked a beer.

2. Boyd's "Amazing Technicolor Raincoat."

3. Acai Tuazon fka JC. I think this might be his real name!

4. The theme song to Indiana Jones that Poops was humming, only the version that we made up was sang with poops and doo doo's instead of la la's. (If that doesn't make sense, ask Boyd to sing it for you. It sort of worked out as a "blue bubble" method in our game.)

5. Asking Dave B. for a quote, unto which he recited Duran Duran lyrics. (I didn't have it in me to embarrass anyone right off the bat, so I'm leaving his ridiculous quote out.)

I didn't really get a whole lot of game action in my Top 5, nor did I get the chance to ask anyone else how their games went. I did however get a story from Eric about their game that made me decide to also write a "Tip of the Week."

This week's Tip: Don't quit playing your game without telling anyone, it only results in "Whose turn is it?" Only later to find out that the person whose turn it is left a long time ago, and you've been standing around getting drunker (which may or may not be a bad thing).

Everyone make sure to look your croquet best next week, we will be shooting the latest player card pics, which also does on the website. That means, Mike G, comb out your fro, yo!

See you next week!